For years I have been suffering from a back injury and things have recently come to a point; I have two ruptured discs in my lower back. Due to the limitations that it has imposed on my life, I have been released from my job and have been disabled since Feb. Fortunately for the company, there is a waiver on their policy stating if I was injured at work, I’m not eligible for disability. However, workers compensation (now along with my private insurance) has refused payment as they both think the other is responsible. Conveniently, the deposition keeps getting moved further and further back. Due to the extreme cost of care, all surgical treatments are unavailable right now. Regardless, different neurosurgeons find that 1) yes I need a fusion, 2) I don’t need a fusion, 3) anywhere in between. Through an alternate therapy, my pain got significantly better, plateaued, and then took a significant nose dive.
I feel like I’m falling. I’m running out of money and I feel like I’m running out of life. I’ve always been an extremely results driven person that enjoys completing tasks. I’ve always done well in college taking a full load while working 50+ hours/week. Without work and without school for the summer at least, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been pulling my hair out since this went down in Feb and it has gotten worse.
I feel useless, disposed, and cast aside. I had three exemplary years as a supervisor with yearly reviews stating above standards. I worked hard for that company and I’m their garbage now. On good days I can walk nice distance, but on bad days I can barely get out of bed; I’ve lost my independence. There are seemingly no jobs that I am eligible for as the market is saturated with candidates with graduate degrees which make an Associates look like a GED.
I feel like this pain is destroying my morale and soul. My fiancee, who has been simply amazing throughout the two years of dealing with this pain, is starting to drift, and I don’t know what to do. She always makes comments on how sweet I am to her even when I’m in pain, but seeing me in so much pain hurts her to the point that I don’t think she wants to be with me much longer.
I know counseling is an option, but it takes a lot of money; one must have a job to make money; hard to have a job when you’re disabled in the insurance term of the word.
I’m not sure what to do, I feel like my life is slipping away from me; I’m beginning to hate the things that I do even on a normal basis. I especially hate the way I’m hurting the one I love, but I can’t find anything to do about it. The pain she sees is the pain that makes it through; the rest I hold back.
I’m thoroughly confused and downright scared.
I’m open to anyone’s recommendations and I also feel like I need to sit down and just talk (and/or chat) with someone as the way I feel is extremely embarrassing to me.
Thank you in advance to everyone.